We usually associate the grieving process with the loss of a loved one. However, I've noticed during the fourteen years I've worked in the advising profession that students often go through their own stages of grieving when we have to give them bad news. Inability to move through these stages (from denial to acceptance) can even result in students dropping out of college because they fail to take responsibility for their situations, accept them, and look for alternatives. I believe that identifying the stages of the grieving process and understanding how they can influence students' reactions to bad situations can assist an adviser in handling tense situations.
What is grief? According to the National Resource Center for Respite and Crisis Care Services (1993), it is “one's own personal experience of loss” (p.1). For students, losses can be defined as choosing the wrong elective, having a bad semester, or learning they cannot graduate. Given the money and time students invest in college, these types of setbacks hit especially hard. Students' identities are linked to the college experience, especially if they are full-time students: college is their “job.” Thus, their reactions to bad news can be extreme. If we are prepared for them and understand them, we can assist students to work through the grieving process.
Reactions to loss can vary immensely. While some, such as Dr. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross (1975), have identified actual stages, not everyone moves in orderly fashion from one emotion to the next. To a certain extent, however, we can predict the variety of emotions that result from a loss, how students experience these feelings, and how they act on them.
Most students initially experience some degree of shock at the bad news. The degree of shock is a function of whether or not they have been realistic about their academic performance. They will make comments like “I couldn't have earned an F!” or “I know I signed up for the right class!” While they are in this state, I'd recommend that advisers use “kid gloves” and gently ask questions such as “How did you do on the final?” or “Did you have the opportunity to check with us before you registered?” Nudge them to look at the situation realistically.
Many students will go into denial: “I had a bad instructor!” or “I know I graduated, because I crossed the stage” (when the ceremony precedes the official conferral of the degree). Related to this denial is the anger students express. “I can't stand this school!” or “Nobody helps me or cares how I do!” are the kinds of comments students make when they are in this state. What can we do to help them? Listen, respond to comments that are clearly inaccurate (“we do care; that is why I am working with you to resolve this situation”), and, above all, do not get defensive! Recognize that students in this state are angry with themselves, and that it is easier for them to blame somebody else. If you react to their angry comments defensively, students will interpret that as reinforcement that the problem is with an uncaring bureaucracy and not with themselves.
If a student is stuck in denial and the situation warrants it, I will sometimes tell him or her, “Let me check this with my supervisor.” Most of the time nothing will change, but it gives the student time to get used to the bad news, and the student feels additional avenues have been covered. Occasionally there is an angle to the situation that I've overlooked, but I use this strategy mainly as a way to let the student come to terms with the situation.
Dr. Kubler-Ross (1975) identifies the next stage of the grieving process as “bargaining.” Many students will try to talk us into allowing them to “get by” when they haven't met academic standards. We can show empathy for their feelings while they are at this point. Comments such as “I know a D+ and a C- seem so close that you find it hard to believe you have to retake that course” show that we understand their feelings of frustration.
Some students will become depressed once they realize nothing can change. This can be a critical time, for some students may decide to give up and drop out of college. It's understandable if students want to take a year off because they are burnt out or life has thrown some curves their way; it's a different issue if they drop out because they feel they can't succeed. At this time, you might want to give students balanced, realistic views of their situations and choices to improve the situations, so that students can make proactive decisions and feel in control of their college careers once more.
Acceptance is the final stage we strive to attain in the process. When students have arrived at this point, they have studied their problems, taken responsibility for them, and are ready to move on to make changes so they can succeed. Students who do not reach this stage may never graduate or might finish their degree program but hold a grudge against the bureaucracy that they perceive made their lives difficult. If students can acknowledge that some of life's best lessons are learned from the struggles they've faced, they will come out of these situations in better shape. For example, if students realize they have too many responsibilities while taking classes and change their schedules around so they can benefit more from the academic atmosphere, their whole college experience will be improved.
I recently saw a student who had terrible grades the previous semester and wanted to take an overload of difficult classes to graduate “on time.” I explained to her why I thought this was a bad idea (as she sobbed over her last semester grades) and ended it by saying earnestly, “I care about you. I want you to succeed. The easiest thing is for me to let you do what you want to do. But I want you to graduate soon, and I'm afraid you're setting yourself up for possible failure with this overload.” Just the tone made the difference; she made an appointment to return and did not take the unrealistic schedule.
The bottom line in working with students who are grieving over academic situations is to let them know you care. This sounds simple and obvious, but often we are caught up in upholding the rules as they are mandated by the faculty, and we forget to add the human element. Just as empathy and listening skills can make all the difference when we grieve for other losses, advisers can also use these skills to assist students and help them overcome academic setbacks.